Emotional Abuse
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. While not physical in nature, emotional abuse includes a wide variety of destructive behaviors, such as constant criticism, financial deprivation, verbal threats, intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. Emotional abuse wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. It creates scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.
Types of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse can take many forms. These are the general patterns:
Aggressing
- Direct aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships.
- Indirect aggressive abuse may even be disguised as "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be used to attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help.
Denying
- Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc.
- Withholding or “silent treatment” includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment.
- Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of himself or herself and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from his or her own.
Minimizing
- When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event, suggesting the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
- Trivializing occurs when the abuser suggests that what the recipient has done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant.
(Adapted from http://www.studentaffairs.cmu.edu/counseling/documents/emotion.htm)
Understanding Abusive Relationships
No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints and validate your own feeling and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even comfortable to you, although it is destructive. Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abusers are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings.
How can you take care of yourself?
- Don’t blame yourself and don’t excuse your partner’s behavior.
- Refuse to be abused. Leave the area if you don’t feel safe.
- Think about ending the relationship for your own health.
- Think about your safety and create a plan. In case you need to get to a safe place, always carry enough money when you are out.
- Call a crisis helpline or women’s shelter for advice.
- Seek help from friends, family, or your health care provider.
How can you help people you know?
- Gather information about emotional abuse and the resources available. You don't have to solve the problem, but you can provide support and information.
- Recognize that emotional abuse has as much, if not more, of an impact on an individual’s overall health and well-being as physical violence.
- Assure them that you believe them and that you take emotional abuse seriously.
- Do not blame them or make excuses for their partner.
- Ask them how you can help.
- Help them to recognize their strengths and feel better about themselves.
- Respect their decisions and provide support if they stay. An individual may not want to leave a partner, even if you think that is what is best.
Where can you go for help?
Campus Experts
Student Health Services, 314.935.6666. Call to schedule an appointment with a counselor to talk about emotional abuse.
On-Line Resources
- Is this Love? How to Tell if Your Relationship is Good for You
- Are You Safe in Your Relationship?
- Go Ask Alice
How can I learn more?
Professional
Health Promotion Services provides brochures and other resources. To request a program, contact Melissa Ruwitch at 314.935.7139 or via email
Peer
Uncle Joe’s Peer Counseling and Resource Center, 24 hour hotline, 314.935.5099. If you wish to speak to someone in person, visit the Uncle Joe’s office in the basement of Gregg Hall, 10pm-1am nightly.
